I'll admit, I was depressed.

I'll admit, I'm still very much so.

Late Night Pre-Senior Year Crisis

I'm am beginning to confuse myself.

I want to go to college more than anything and finally start my life, but I'm so terrified of the whole thing. Terrified of writing essays and deadlines and meetings and rejection letters and everything. It's too overwhelming. I don't know how people handle things like this, I think I'm just sub-human. Like I missed the whole "calm, cool, collected" memo as a fetus.

I can't even finish typing this up. I'm going to have a mental anxiety attack.

Someone help me.

Dear Non-existent God,
Why can't you help me? This would be a good moment to be real. So you could help me, part the seas of college essays or something?
Love,
Anxiety-stricken Teenager

Philosophizing Amongst the Trailers

Lately, I've been reading about naturalism and nihilism. Different worldviews. Trying to sort it all out.

 

Then I just have to wonder if I'm the only person in a five mile radius who even thinks about these things, from the boy at the checkout counter at the supermarket who went to my school to the 75 year old man who lives across the street and has a rebel flag hanging from his house. I know logically I'm probably not the only one, but when you live in a redneck suburb, you kind of start to think you might be the only person in the county who gives a damn.

Maybe all of the other cool philosophizing people are just hiding away in their bedrooms like I am. That's definitely the problem. Someone should start a county-wide philosophy club with reading assignments and discussions. I would be so down for that. My school doesn't even offer philosophy classes. And here I am trying to discern the difference between naturalism and nihilism and google searches are absolutely fruitless. I wish when I was searching I could just click a button and all of the bigots who are wasting their time shitting on naturalism and nihilism would go away. Most of the articles are just talking about how there is no morality without the Judeo-christian God, which is absolute nonsense. Help me, I am surrounded by Christians. Someone should write a book.

Not to say I necessarily have a problem with them, just that most of the time their views are pretty oppressive and rude and their thought process ends at "amen."

Maybe I do have a problem with them. Completely based on past experiences.

Justified.

Certainly.

I Will Be Cinematic, Just Don't Cast Me as Zooey Deschanel

I figure approximately one year from now I will no longer be a suburban brat, but rather a city-bound brat. Off to (hopefully) Chicagoland and living a fabulous lifestyle of art and... noisy Red/Purple/Brown Line trains. In the heart of the South Loop, where all of the artsy fartsy stuff goes down and art supply stores are a dime a dozen and galleries decorate every couple of blocks, I shall make a name for myself, or something like that.

I wonder what exactly makes people think that the world is really as picturesque as cinema makes it seem. I mean, we don't have the witty lines and the overall attractiveness level commonly associated characters on the big screens, so why should we ever be able to achieve lives like theirs? And either way I'd much rather have the great one-liners than the boyfriends in the rain.

But this, this will be different. This will be frighteningly cinematic, perhaps so much so that they will make a movie about my life. But, scratch that, I'm scared they might cast me as Zooey Deschanel in which case I will die. Or something. If we're going for unique, quirky, indie girl, can't I at least have Ellen Page? I mean, granted, I'm not too unique or quirky or anything but I'm certainly not "regular" and would probably need to be portrayed as an indie girl for there to be an audience for the film. (The audience here would be 14-26 year old hip kids or whatever.)

I will stroll down streets named after Presidents and simply know that I kick total ass. (Not that I don't now, I do.) I will enter every gallery and touch each paintbrush to my face. I will master the art of art and sociability. Yes, yes, yes. To all of the above. How do I know this? I already did it, well for a few weeks. I strolled down these streets and it was awesome. I breathed in the air of the smokers that dotted the sidewalks and listened to the nails-on-chalkboard sound of the Red line overhead. And I was new. Now I guess since I'm "old" again I will consider myself in hibernation until college days are within the range of counting on my hands. Until then, here are the annoyed, angry, depressing, and possibly humorous thoughts of a lower-middle class suburban rat.